this year's love

"what if the storm ends, and i don't see you?" well i've done it before. five times, if we're going to get technical. nobody is ever there after the storm is over. i don't know if my storms have stronger winds, or maybe harder rain, but nobody can stay through them. the aftermath is always me, solo. i like it that way. it's fact. i hate being medicated, probably more than i could explain. number one, it means you're messed up. number two, i know everyone is messed up, but that fact doesn't make it easier. don't think it does. number three, just because i take a pill every morning that you probably won't have to take until you're 40, doesn't mean i'm numb to the things 18 year olds feel. it just means i get the 40 year old feelings mixed in with the 18 year old feelings, and that messes me up. i know i need it. needing something doesn't make it easier. what's easier is when you want something, and you get it. or even if y...

the most frustrating feeling, is when the thing you hate most, is the thing that is keeping you alive. fall reminds me of this feeling. sometimes, when i have time, which isn't often, i stare at the trees with their newly brightened leaves. because i live in oklahoma, it is always windy. always. and sometimes when i watch those leaves, still hanging onto their branches by their thin, brittle stems, i get this deep feeling that they want to fly. they don't want to be held back anymore. they have changed from their infant green stage-grown up, learned, transformed themselves-and they want to fly with it. but how do you fly without your roots nurturing you, feeding you? and then they're discouraged because they can see all those other leaves on the ground, being stepped on and being crushed, and see the results of an attempt flight that failed. and there are so many. and they didn't get very far at all. and what if it isn't worth it? i'm not really talking about tr...

its weird when things hit you, but they have to hit you. no one will tell me what my rock bottom is, or what hill im climbing next, or what my view from the top will look like if i make it that high. i have a hundred people telling me that i destroy my own life, that it really is my fault, and although i don't act like it, i am actually aware of this. and i actually do love this. because i think its good to not want things. i think its good to be sad a lot, and darker than others, because when i live, i will know how to live. i will know how wonderful it is. and for that, you might become jealous. when we're older. and we're living.

"It's 3AM, I must be lonely..." I am not the type of person to force a relationship with anybody, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I think that forcing friendship contradicts the definition of it. You should want to hang out, be there for them, and just see them in general. And if you don't feel that way, it's not friendship. Period. If you force those feelings, it only makes you resent that person, consciously or unconsciously. I've had 5 best friends throughout my life. All different girls, all different times. Each one managed to hurt me in a new and fresh way. After number four, I decided to give up on "best friends." I'm not good at it. I didn't know if I was a shitty best friend, or if I picked shitty best friends. Or maybe a combination. The only thing different this time is that I know I didn't pick a shitty best friend. I know it's me this time. So maybe I changed too much, or maybe you grew out of me. Maybe. Maybe you ...

i am tired of being your rebound. his rebound. everybody's rebound. to you, and him: that's awesome, thank you for not talking to me for 3 months and suddenly being nice. i thought you were nice, but turns out, your girlfriend just doesnt want you. thank you. and the thing that gets me, is that i HATE being your rebound, but i don't ever tell you to stop. ever. because i keep hoping that this will be the time thats different. you've changed. you're not the boy who just wants me because he can. and then it hits me, you are still that boy. you didn't change. you probably never will, but i'll keep giving you chances, because thats what i do. that's what rebounds are for. and i am damn good at it. i just want someone to think i'm worth more. please change.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” the only thing i can always write about is love. probably because i hav...

i will always try to be strong. i will always try to love myself as much as i love others. i will always try to believe in what feels right, rather than what they say is right. i will always try to listen to my head before my heart. i will always try to forget what hurts me. i will always try to avoid the bad things. i will always try to go out of my way to brighten someone's day, especially if they are a stranger. i will always try to have realistic dreams. i will always try to give at least 90%. i will always try to hide the sadness and show the joy. i will always try to be a good daughter, friend, sister, and girlfriend in the best way i know how. i will always try to impress. i will always try to remember what has made me who i am. i will always try to make good decisions. i will always try to love my life. i've learned everything i know the hard way. i've learned not to give away what you can't replace. i've learned to hold secrets close, because in the end, th...