your needs, my needs

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  "What if the devil doesn't know she's the devil?"

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. It really sums up a lot of what goes on in my head. The questioning, the overanalyzing, the contradictions, the anxiety that makes me freeze when I need to be moving. What if I am doing the wrong thing and I don't even know it? What if I'm actually delusional when I think I'm so self-aware? What if the people around me see someone completely different than I do? How do I know when to trust my thoughts and when they are just a product of the anxiety, the depression, the trauma response? 

Nobody can give me an answer. Which is fair. How can I expect them to, when I can't even answer it myself? How do you explain your fucked up brain to someone who is normal, who doesn't have thoughts racing 100% of the time, who doesn't question every tiny thing? How do you know they won't run when they see what an absolute nutcase you are, and how do you blame them if they do when all you want to do is run away from yourself? 

Maybe I'm just jealous that they have the ability to run at all.

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