this year's love

you whisper your regrets into my hair, pulling me into you. i can feel your breath, hot and laced with tears, because you messed up, and you know it. your body collapses on top of mine while your lips dance over mine, and your hands move roughly against my face. then my arms, my hands, my legs--through my clothes. i want your lips on mine every second of every day.i want your hands pressing into my skin every night until the sun rises. i want your body entangled and entwined with my body, always. i can't resist you and i love every minute of it. every minute. every minute. i am the dumbest girl in THE ENTIRE WORLD, because of you. because you gave  us  away to other girls that weren't me, and i'm taking you back. still. if you weren't so damn perfect.

I'm scared of you, but I'm more scared of us. I've told you this..I think you've forgotten. I can't tell you again. It makes me seem needy, like I'm looking for compliments, because I know that when I tell you this you'll say to me that you think I'm amazing, and you don't want to lose me. Those words make me realize that you're falling for somebody you don't even know, because I'm not great. I'm not worth keeping. Some days I wish you would open your eyes to see me in the harsh light I deserve to be shown in, but then I realize I'd lose you. You'd see everything, everything that makes me somebody you don't want. Then you'd walk away, and even the thought of seeing your muscular, toned backside move away from me is enough to make me nauseous. It's enough to make me change my lighting, and I get away with it every time. Every single time. I don't want to fall in love. I won't let myself. Not with you.

i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military this coming summer. i have friends who have already enlisted in the united states military. i have friends who are in the united states military. i have friends who make me feel like maybe i'm not doing enough with my life. i have friends who tell me that i take on too much, and try to do everything. but the reason i take on too much, and try to do everything, is that i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military. friends who are accomplishing something. who are volunteering to risk their lives for the lives of the ones they love, and the ones they've never met. i want to be like them. i've never particularly wanted to enlist myself into any branch of the military, but maybe i should want to. does that make sense? to not want to devote a portion of my life to defending the country that keeps me safe? it doesn't, not in my mind. but my mind is made up, i do not want to enlist. i kno