this year's love

i have been on summer vacation for about a week, and i have been sober a whopping total of 2 nights. and i remembered why i like being "twisted." and i remembered why its important to laugh when you're sad. and i remembered why i understand the fact that my dad is always drunk. but mostly, i remembered to forget, and that was the most important thing. and i felt like i would be okay, which is ironic, because i never felt okay the next morning. one of my favorite feelings in the entire world is sitting by that stupid field, letting the humid wind twirl my hair around my face. drunk or sober (but mostly drunk), it is the closest thing i know to freedom. and although i realize how small and simple that sounds, i think that's what makes me love it so much. it reminds me that i'm alive, and that i'm can breathe. losing our war didn't make me stop breathing. drinking makes me love myself. smoking makes me apathetic. both make me quiet, and both make me smile. wh

you got to my heart, and i will never admit this to you in person, or over the phone, or in a letter. but you did. congratulations. i hate you for that sole reason, and i hate myself for the same thing. you are the only thing that can stress me out and make me cry more than my family, school, and friends. congratulations. you're at the top of the list. all that, and we never speak, or write, or call each other. we haven't for 2 months. and i think you should know that i am still crying over you. and i am still reeling in pain, and i am still the same girl who can hide those two things unbelievably well. lucky me. the fact that i'm the one who officially ended it means nothing. you ended it when you let her have you. you ended it when you lied about it. you ended it when you told me what had really been going on in texas, and why you started distancing yourself more than you  had previously done. you ended it when you let another girl, with my name, have you. you ended it wh