green to gold.

the most frustrating feeling, is when the thing you hate most, is the thing that is keeping you alive.

fall reminds me of this feeling. sometimes, when i have time, which isn't often, i stare at the trees with their newly brightened leaves. because i live in oklahoma, it is always windy. always. and sometimes when i watch those leaves, still hanging onto their branches by their thin, brittle stems, i get this deep feeling that they want to fly. they don't want to be held back anymore. they have changed from their infant green stage-grown up, learned, transformed themselves-and they want to fly with it. but how do you fly without your roots nurturing you, feeding you? and then they're discouraged because they can see all those other leaves on the ground, being stepped on and being crushed, and see the results of an attempt flight that failed. and there are so many. and they didn't get very far at all. and what if it isn't worth it?

i'm not really talking about trees here, obviously. but sometimes when i look at fall trees, i really do get those feelings, so i'm not totally lying to you about that.

so i guess what i'm trying to figure out is...should i try to fly? should i abandon my roots, trunk, and branches that are holding me back? what it gets down to is, i am scared. because i have seen people try to fly, and it turned into a fall. and they ended up dying on the inside, their color turned to brown, and they were crushed and beaten and bruised by all those people who stepped on them, saying "i told you so." and, i think i would rather stay attached to my tree than fall and die. i think i would rather sit here, and write dumb blog entries about it, and not attempt.

uhm...i never said i was a good writer.