this year's love

i have been on summer vacation for about a week, and i have been sober a whopping total of 2 nights. and i remembered why i like being "twisted." and i remembered why its important to laugh when you're sad. and i remembered why i understand the fact that my dad is always drunk. but mostly, i remembered to forget, and that was the most important thing. and i felt like i would be okay, which is ironic, because i never felt okay the next morning. one of my favorite feelings in the entire world is sitting by that stupid field, letting the humid wind twirl my hair around my face. drunk or sober (but mostly drunk), it is the closest thing i know to freedom. and although i realize how small and simple that sounds, i think that's what makes me love it so much. it reminds me that i'm alive, and that i'm can breathe. losing our war didn't make me stop breathing. drinking makes me love myself. smoking makes me apathetic. both make me quiet, and both make me smile. wh...

you got to my heart, and i will never admit this to you in person, or over the phone, or in a letter. but you did. congratulations. i hate you for that sole reason, and i hate myself for the same thing. you are the only thing that can stress me out and make me cry more than my family, school, and friends. congratulations. you're at the top of the list. all that, and we never speak, or write, or call each other. we haven't for 2 months. and i think you should know that i am still crying over you. and i am still reeling in pain, and i am still the same girl who can hide those two things unbelievably well. lucky me. the fact that i'm the one who officially ended it means nothing. you ended it when you let her have you. you ended it when you lied about it. you ended it when you told me what had really been going on in texas, and why you started distancing yourself more than you  had previously done. you ended it when you let another girl, with my name, have you. you ended it wh...

i hate math. why?  it's right or wrong.  it's black or white.  it always comes out with the same answer. it's consistent.   i am right AND wrong, at the same time.  i am always gray.   my answers are based on my moods.  i am not consistent.  and boys. what the fuck is up with boys? what the fuck is up with me and always ending up with the boys who hurt me, while the other boys, THE NICE BOYS, sit on the sidelines and try to convince me to leave boy #1 and be with them, because they will treat me better. i know they will treat me better , but that's half the fun i have in relationships, is knowing that i could do better. i like the bad boys, and it frustrates the fuck out of me. i'm not changing, though. not even for you. not even because you're going into the army in 6 months. nope. not even that. and SCHOOL. FUCK school. who the fuck needs to know how to derive cosine and cosecant from the pythagorean theorem? WHO USES THAT, EVER? nobody, that is exactly who u...

you whisper your regrets into my hair, pulling me into you. i can feel your breath, hot and laced with tears, because you messed up, and you know it. your body collapses on top of mine while your lips dance over mine, and your hands move roughly against my face. then my arms, my hands, my legs--through my clothes. i want your lips on mine every second of every day.i want your hands pressing into my skin every night until the sun rises. i want your body entangled and entwined with my body, always. i can't resist you and i love every minute of it. every minute. every minute. i am the dumbest girl in THE ENTIRE WORLD, because of you. because you gave  us  away to other girls that weren't me, and i'm taking you back. still. if you weren't so damn perfect.

I'm scared of you, but I'm more scared of us. I've told you this..I think you've forgotten. I can't tell you again. It makes me seem needy, like I'm looking for compliments, because I know that when I tell you this you'll say to me that you think I'm amazing, and you don't want to lose me. Those words make me realize that you're falling for somebody you don't even know, because I'm not great. I'm not worth keeping. Some days I wish you would open your eyes to see me in the harsh light I deserve to be shown in, but then I realize I'd lose you. You'd see everything, everything that makes me somebody you don't want. Then you'd walk away, and even the thought of seeing your muscular, toned backside move away from me is enough to make me nauseous. It's enough to make me change my lighting, and I get away with it every time. Every single time. I don't want to fall in love. I won't let myself. Not with you.

i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military this coming summer. i have friends who have already enlisted in the united states military. i have friends who are in the united states military. i have friends who make me feel like maybe i'm not doing enough with my life. i have friends who tell me that i take on too much, and try to do everything. but the reason i take on too much, and try to do everything, is that i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military. friends who are accomplishing something. who are volunteering to risk their lives for the lives of the ones they love, and the ones they've never met. i want to be like them. i've never particularly wanted to enlist myself into any branch of the military, but maybe i should want to. does that make sense? to not want to devote a portion of my life to defending the country that keeps me safe? it doesn't, not in my mind. but my mind is made up, i do not want to enlist. i kno...