lighting

-
I'm scared of you, but I'm more scared of us.
I've told you this..I think you've forgotten.
I can't tell you again. It makes me seem needy, like I'm looking for compliments, because I know that when I tell you this you'll say to me that you think I'm amazing, and you don't want to lose me. Those words make me realize that you're falling for somebody you don't even know, because I'm not great. I'm not worth keeping. Some days I wish you would open your eyes to see me in the harsh light I deserve to be shown in, but then I realize I'd lose you. You'd see everything, everything that makes me somebody you don't want. Then you'd walk away, and even the thought of seeing your muscular, toned backside move away from me is enough to make me nauseous. It's enough to make me change my lighting, and I get away with it every time. Every single time.



I don't want to fall in love.
I won't let myself.
Not with you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

concrete castles

-
i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military this coming summer. i have friends who have already enlisted in the united states military. i have friends who are in the united states military. i have friends who make me feel like maybe i'm not doing enough with my life. i have friends who tell me that i take on too much, and try to do everything. but the reason i take on too much, and try to do everything, is that i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military. friends who are accomplishing something. who are volunteering to risk their lives for the lives of the ones they love, and the ones they've never met. i want to be like them. i've never particularly wanted to enlist myself into any branch of the military, but maybe i should want to. does that make sense? to not want to devote a portion of my life to defending the country that keeps me safe? it doesn't, not in my mind. but my mind is made up, i do not want to enlist. i kno
Read more

"This isn't just goodbye, this is I can't stand you."

-
"It's 3AM, I must be lonely..." I am not the type of person to force a relationship with anybody, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I think that forcing friendship contradicts the definition of it. You should want to hang out, be there for them, and just see them in general. And if you don't feel that way, it's not friendship. Period. If you force those feelings, it only makes you resent that person, consciously or unconsciously. I've had 5 best friends throughout my life. All different girls, all different times. Each one managed to hurt me in a new and fresh way. After number four, I decided to give up on "best friends." I'm not good at it. I didn't know if I was a shitty best friend, or if I picked shitty best friends. Or maybe a combination. The only thing different this time is that I know I didn't pick a shitty best friend. I know it's me this time. So maybe I changed too much, or maybe you grew out of me. Maybe. Maybe you
Read more

"sleepless nights

-
taught me to fake it. keep pushing. let go. iron eyes will never be pretty, but at least they aren't crying." I wrote that sentence when I was 17 years old. I thought I knew a lot about love, or more specifically, what love wasn't. And I guess that's true, I did know a lot about what love wasn't. I didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Of knowing how deeply I was broken and shattered and that I was actually not okay, just excellent at going through the motions and lying while looking you in the eye. Looking back, maybe if I had shown those around me how defective I was, someone could have convinced me to start taking that little white pill every morning a lot sooner. And maybe that would have been a good thing, but would I still be my own hero? Would I still know how strong I am capable of being, and how to piece myself back together when I am broken by another's hands?  I would never wish depression on anyone. It is such a con
Read more