"I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck."

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i have been on summer vacation for about a week, and i have been sober a whopping total of 2 nights. and i remembered why i like being "twisted." and i remembered why its important to laugh when you're sad. and i remembered why i understand the fact that my dad is always drunk. but mostly, i remembered to forget, and that was the most important thing. and i felt like i would be okay, which is ironic, because i never felt okay the next morning.

one of my favorite feelings in the entire world is sitting by that stupid field, letting the humid wind twirl my hair around my face. drunk or sober (but mostly drunk), it is the closest thing i know to freedom. and although i realize how small and simple that sounds, i think that's what makes me love it so much. it reminds me that i'm alive, and that i'm can breathe. losing our war didn't make me stop breathing.

drinking makes me love myself. smoking makes me apathetic. both make me quiet, and both make me smile. which is funny, because the only boy who has cared for me enough to compare to "love" would hate me for both of those things. but i think that's what makes me smile. and its probably what makes me quiet. because i don't want to severely disappoint him, but i still want to disappoint him. i still want him to feel it.

just for the record, i almost never start writing with him in mind. but that is how it always ends.

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