release

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[originally published 8/8/12 - thisyearslove]

 Saying things to people who used to be in your life is draining. I've done it twice in the past few days, said things I didn't think I would ever say to both of them. And they both took it fairly well. 

One of them hates me, deep to his core, and I have to figure out how to be okay with that. How to realize and accept that hating me is what he needs, what he wants. And knowing someone that used to be so close to you hates every fiber of your being, that's a hard thing to accept. Because I still love him as a person, I just couldn't be with him. I couldn't get married. I couldn't be defined by him and I couldn't stand the thought of him being defined by me. I couldn't wake up with him every day, and I knew that he would feel the same eventually, I just got there faster. I just fell first. And I am so sorry. I should have been stronger, I should have done it sooner, I should have opened my eyes. 

And the part that really gets me is I can feel all these things - I can have someone so important to me absolutely hate me, I can disappoint ex-lovers left and right - and I am still happy. I am still happier than I have ever been. The kind of happy that is deep in your heart and can consume you if you let it. I hope it stays, but even if it doesn't, I know I got here. I know I did it by myself. That's what's important.

"There's just a time when we must all let go, the breath that we hold, you know the unknown we have to let go. And it's just now that I've found a place where I can breathe. It's just now that I've found a place where I can sleep."

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