"I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck."

-
i have been on summer vacation for about a week, and i have been sober a whopping total of 2 nights. and i remembered why i like being "twisted." and i remembered why its important to laugh when you're sad. and i remembered why i understand the fact that my dad is always drunk. but mostly, i remembered to forget, and that was the most important thing. and i felt like i would be okay, which is ironic, because i never felt okay the next morning.

one of my favorite feelings in the entire world is sitting by that stupid field, letting the humid wind twirl my hair around my face. drunk or sober (but mostly drunk), it is the closest thing i know to freedom. and although i realize how small and simple that sounds, i think that's what makes me love it so much. it reminds me that i'm alive, and that i'm can breathe. losing our war didn't make me stop breathing.

drinking makes me love myself. smoking makes me apathetic. both make me quiet, and both make me smile. which is funny, because the only boy who has cared for me enough to compare to "love" would hate me for both of those things. but i think that's what makes me smile. and its probably what makes me quiet. because i don't want to severely disappoint him, but i still want to disappoint him. i still want him to feel it.

just for the record, i almost never start writing with him in mind. but that is how it always ends.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

concrete castles

-
i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military this coming summer. i have friends who have already enlisted in the united states military. i have friends who are in the united states military. i have friends who make me feel like maybe i'm not doing enough with my life. i have friends who tell me that i take on too much, and try to do everything. but the reason i take on too much, and try to do everything, is that i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military. friends who are accomplishing something. who are volunteering to risk their lives for the lives of the ones they love, and the ones they've never met. i want to be like them. i've never particularly wanted to enlist myself into any branch of the military, but maybe i should want to. does that make sense? to not want to devote a portion of my life to defending the country that keeps me safe? it doesn't, not in my mind. but my mind is made up, i do not want to enlist. i kno
Read more

"This isn't just goodbye, this is I can't stand you."

-
"It's 3AM, I must be lonely..." I am not the type of person to force a relationship with anybody, whether it be friendship or otherwise. I think that forcing friendship contradicts the definition of it. You should want to hang out, be there for them, and just see them in general. And if you don't feel that way, it's not friendship. Period. If you force those feelings, it only makes you resent that person, consciously or unconsciously. I've had 5 best friends throughout my life. All different girls, all different times. Each one managed to hurt me in a new and fresh way. After number four, I decided to give up on "best friends." I'm not good at it. I didn't know if I was a shitty best friend, or if I picked shitty best friends. Or maybe a combination. The only thing different this time is that I know I didn't pick a shitty best friend. I know it's me this time. So maybe I changed too much, or maybe you grew out of me. Maybe. Maybe you
Read more

losing more than i gained.

-
you got to my heart, and i will never admit this to you in person, or over the phone, or in a letter. but you did. congratulations. i hate you for that sole reason, and i hate myself for the same thing. you are the only thing that can stress me out and make me cry more than my family, school, and friends. congratulations. you're at the top of the list. all that, and we never speak, or write, or call each other. we haven't for 2 months. and i think you should know that i am still crying over you. and i am still reeling in pain, and i am still the same girl who can hide those two things unbelievably well. lucky me. the fact that i'm the one who officially ended it means nothing. you ended it when you let her have you. you ended it when you lied about it. you ended it when you told me what had really been going on in texas, and why you started distancing yourself more than you  had previously done. you ended it when you let another girl, with my name, have you. you ended it wh
Read more