losing more than i gained.

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you got to my heart, and i will never admit this to you in person, or over the phone, or in a letter. but you did. congratulations. i hate you for that sole reason, and i hate myself for the same thing. you are the only thing that can stress me out and make me cry more than my family, school, and friends. congratulations. you're at the top of the list. all that, and we never speak, or write, or call each other. we haven't for 2 months. and i think you should know that i am still crying over you. and i am still reeling in pain, and i am still the same girl who can hide those two things unbelievably well. lucky me. the fact that i'm the one who officially ended it means nothing. you ended it when you let her have you. you ended it when you lied about it. you ended it when you told me what had really been going on in texas, and why you started distancing yourself more than you  had previously done. you ended it when you let another girl, with my name, have you. you ended it when you lied about her. you ended it. not me. i just made it official. i just took care of all the little details, because somehow you couldn't handle that. 


the hardest part wasn't hearing that you cheated (twice), or that you lied (twice), or that you knew and just didn't have the guts to tell me, or rereading the letters, or finding the ring you gave me last christmas. the hardest part was realizing that i had let it happen. i will always blame myself more than you, which is good, because if i blamed you as much as i blamed myself, there would probably be a few bullets in your chest, and i would probably be holding the gun. but, lucky you, i don't blame you as much as i blame myself. i never did. and i most likely never will. lucky you.


we were never in love.
we are just breakable girls & boys.

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