concrete castles

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i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military this coming summer.
i have friends who have already enlisted in the united states military.
i have friends who are in the united states military.

i have friends who make me feel like maybe i'm not doing enough with my life.
i have friends who tell me that i take on too much, and try to do everything.
but the reason i take on too much, and try to do everything, is that i have friends who are enlisting in the united states military. friends who are accomplishing something. who are volunteering to risk their lives for the lives of the ones they love, and the ones they've never met.

i want to be like them. i've never particularly wanted to enlist myself into any branch of the military, but maybe i should want to. does that make sense? to not want to devote a portion of my life to defending the country that keeps me safe? it doesn't, not in my mind. but my mind is made up, i do not want to enlist.

i know what i want.
i don't know what i want.
my mind is full of paradoxes. catch-22's. my mind is full of everything.

i want to stop thinking about you when i should be thinking about him, but i want you so badly that my body aches while i try to sleep. i want you so bad.

i want you to have feelings for me like you did while we sat on that european balcony, in the rain, and you gave me your sweatshirt so i wouldn't get cold, and then we spilled our entire lives to each other. i want you to want me, so that i can push you away after you spend your time telling me how beautiful i look that night, and how smart i am, and how i'm the one you would remember while you're gone. if you knew me at all, you wouldn't like me. you would think i was a bitch and a control freak and a manipulative, stupid teenager. because sometimes i am. but you don't see that. or maybe you do; maybe that's why you stopped telling me how beautiful i look, and how smart i am, and how you would remember me. so i'll tell myself that i don't want you. i just want your feelings for me. and someday, that will be true.





Army Strong.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Good words.
November 11, 2008 at 7:45 AM
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