this year's love

the most frustrating feeling, is when the thing you hate most, is the thing that is keeping you alive. fall reminds me of this feeling. sometimes, when i have time, which isn't often, i stare at the trees with their newly brightened leaves. because i live in oklahoma, it is always windy. always. and sometimes when i watch those leaves, still hanging onto their branches by their thin, brittle stems, i get this deep feeling that they want to fly. they don't want to be held back anymore. they have changed from their infant green stage-grown up, learned, transformed themselves-and they want to fly with it. but how do you fly without your roots nurturing you, feeding you? and then they're discouraged because they can see all those other leaves on the ground, being stepped on and being crushed, and see the results of an attempt flight that failed. and there are so many. and they didn't get very far at all. and what if it isn't worth it? i'm not really talking about tr...

its weird when things hit you, but they have to hit you. no one will tell me what my rock bottom is, or what hill im climbing next, or what my view from the top will look like if i make it that high. i have a hundred people telling me that i destroy my own life, that it really is my fault, and although i don't act like it, i am actually aware of this. and i actually do love this. because i think its good to not want things. i think its good to be sad a lot, and darker than others, because when i live, i will know how to live. i will know how wonderful it is. and for that, you might become jealous. when we're older. and we're living.

i hate math. why?  it's right or wrong.  it's black or white.  it always comes out with the same answer. it's consistent.   i am right AND wrong, at the same time.  i am always gray.   my answers are based on my moods.  i am not consistent.  and boys. what the fuck is up with boys? what the fuck is up with me and always ending up with the boys who hurt me, while the other boys, THE NICE BOYS, sit on the sidelines and try to convince me to leave boy #1 and be with them, because they will treat me better. i know they will treat me better , but that's half the fun i have in relationships, is knowing that i could do better. i like the bad boys, and it frustrates the fuck out of me. i'm not changing, though. not even for you. not even because you're going into the army in 6 months. nope. not even that. and SCHOOL. FUCK school. who the fuck needs to know how to derive cosine and cosecant from the pythagorean theorem? WHO USES THAT, EVER? nobody, that is exactly who u...

I'm scared of you, but I'm more scared of us. I've told you this..I think you've forgotten. I can't tell you again. It makes me seem needy, like I'm looking for compliments, because I know that when I tell you this you'll say to me that you think I'm amazing, and you don't want to lose me. Those words make me realize that you're falling for somebody you don't even know, because I'm not great. I'm not worth keeping. Some days I wish you would open your eyes to see me in the harsh light I deserve to be shown in, but then I realize I'd lose you. You'd see everything, everything that makes me somebody you don't want. Then you'd walk away, and even the thought of seeing your muscular, toned backside move away from me is enough to make me nauseous. It's enough to make me change my lighting, and I get away with it every time. Every single time. I don't want to fall in love. I won't let myself. Not with you.