awake.

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"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”



the only thing i can always write about is love. probably because i have so many emotions toward it. hate, bitterness, infatuation, longing, disbelief. whatever my mood, i can associate it with love.

i have no idea what love really is, because i've never fallen in love. maybe i have, but i hope i haven't. because there is only one boy i could compare to love, and if he was love, i would be a little disappointed. if he was love, love is not worth it. so to me, he isn't love. he wasn't good enough. we weren't good enough.

i think that some people chase after love their entire life with no success. and there are others who do the opposite, who don't chase it at all, and wouldn't recognize it if it hit them in the face. i'd like to think there is a third group somewhere in the middle, not chasing, but able to see it. i'd like to think that is the group i belong in, but i guess there's no way to tell right now. and i guess this whole thing is just me trying to be okay with that. with not knowing. not knowing if you will ever fall in love is a scary thing. especially when you want it as badly as i do.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.


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