css

-
the only thing i'm scared of is not letting myself find something better. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"sleepless nights

-
taught me to fake it. keep pushing. let go. iron eyes will never be pretty, but at least they aren't crying." I wrote that sentence when I was 17 years old. I thought I knew a lot about love, or more specifically, what love wasn't. And I guess that's true, I did know a lot about what love wasn't. I didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Of knowing how deeply I was broken and shattered and that I was actually not okay, just excellent at going through the motions and lying while looking you in the eye. Looking back, maybe if I had shown those around me how defective I was, someone could have convinced me to start taking that little white pill every morning a lot sooner. And maybe that would have been a good thing, but would I still be my own hero? Would I still know how strong I am capable of being, and how to piece myself back together when I am broken by another's hands?  I would never wish depression on anyone. It is such a con...
Read more

your needs, my needs

-
  "What if the devil doesn't know she's the devil?" This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. It really sums up a lot of what goes on in my head. The questioning, the overanalyzing, the contradictions, the anxiety that makes me freeze when I need to be moving. What if I am doing the wrong thing and I don't even know it? What if I'm actually delusional when I think I'm so self-aware? What if the people around me see someone completely different than I do? How do I know when to trust my thoughts and when they are just a product of the anxiety, the depression, the trauma response?  Nobody can give me an answer. Which is fair. How can I expect them to, when I can't even answer it myself? How do you explain your fucked up brain to someone who is normal, who doesn't have thoughts racing 100% of the time, who doesn't question every tiny thing? How do you know they won't run when they see what an absolute nutcase you are, and how do you blame th...
Read more

the lightning strike.

-
"what if the storm ends, and i don't see you?" well i've done it before. five times, if we're going to get technical. nobody is ever there after the storm is over. i don't know if my storms have stronger winds, or maybe harder rain, but nobody can stay through them. the aftermath is always me, solo. i like it that way. it's fact. i hate being medicated, probably more than i could explain. number one, it means you're messed up. number two, i know everyone is messed up, but that fact doesn't make it easier. don't think it does. number three, just because i take a pill every morning that you probably won't have to take until you're 40, doesn't mean i'm numb to the things 18 year olds feel. it just means i get the 40 year old feelings mixed in with the 18 year old feelings, and that messes me up. i know i need it. needing something doesn't make it easier. what's easier is when you want something, and you get it. or even if y...
Read more