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the only thing i'm scared of is not letting myself find something better. 

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hallelujah.

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i will always try to be strong. i will always try to love myself as much as i love others. i will always try to believe in what feels right, rather than what they say is right. i will always try to listen to my head before my heart. i will always try to forget what hurts me. i will always try to avoid the bad things. i will always try to go out of my way to brighten someone's day, especially if they are a stranger. i will always try to have realistic dreams. i will always try to give at least 90%. i will always try to hide the sadness and show the joy. i will always try to be a good daughter, friend, sister, and girlfriend in the best way i know how. i will always try to impress. i will always try to remember what has made me who i am. i will always try to make good decisions. i will always try to love my life. i've learned everything i know the hard way. i've learned not to give away what you can't replace. i've learned to hold secrets close, because in the end, th...
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because i can't play the piano at 2am.

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Today, I was asked if I was okay, by someone who obviously isn't okay. I said yes, because this is what you're supposed to say, and I even if I wasn't okay, I wouldn't want to share that with you, or anyone for that matter. He proceeded to say, "so you're over it then?" to which I didn't respond, because I'm not big on lying, but I wasn't in the mood for the pity party that would follow the truth. Being okay has nothing to do with "getting over it." They are two seperate spheres, and while they may overlap in small places, they are not one body. You cannot equate them with each other. Please, argue with me. I have so many examples that will prove you wrong in less than 6 seconds. I know a girl who says she fell in love with a boy. I believe her, but to explain to you why, would lessen its meaning. She told me her story one morning while we were working together, because it was early, and there isn't a lot to talk about while stari...
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your needs, my needs

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  "What if the devil doesn't know she's the devil?" This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. It really sums up a lot of what goes on in my head. The questioning, the overanalyzing, the contradictions, the anxiety that makes me freeze when I need to be moving. What if I am doing the wrong thing and I don't even know it? What if I'm actually delusional when I think I'm so self-aware? What if the people around me see someone completely different than I do? How do I know when to trust my thoughts and when they are just a product of the anxiety, the depression, the trauma response?  Nobody can give me an answer. Which is fair. How can I expect them to, when I can't even answer it myself? How do you explain your fucked up brain to someone who is normal, who doesn't have thoughts racing 100% of the time, who doesn't question every tiny thing? How do you know they won't run when they see what an absolute nutcase you are, and how do you blame th...
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